This is my fear
Opened in front of you all
Ready to be ridiculed and reduced till there is nothing left to give
At least thats the expectation I build up in my mind
For past experience showed me that so many become disconnected and unkind
Still I open my eyes and my heart everyday
And everyday I am able to see so much beauty in my way
And those wonderful ones who see it too.
The willingness and vulnerability of being present in the very deliciousness of this moment, hold more magic that I could possibly describe.
For everything eventually comes to an end, but for now, we are here and it’s so extraordinary.
I do fear the unknown. The knowing that things will end. The knowing ill have to go back to a place im afraid to be.
To face off with whatever awaits me there that is part of my story, my journey, my healing, my growth.
The only way, is to do it alone... and yet im not alone.

Ive met so many parts of my soul along the way and the more I leap into each day with my heart shining though my eyes
Like an untouched, un hurt child
The more I find you, find them and in turn find more of myself.

Even if not physically connected, as we move on our own paths to our own destinies,
I hold those moments in time. Those pieces of my heart with me always.
They are the strength I come back to, the love that drives me forward.
The reminder that there is a world possible that I previously only dreamed of.

Perhaps everything that is happening is simply preparing us for all that we have asked for.
That road can look ragged and unpleasant and somedays may feel unfair and nonsensical.

Yes what ive asked for, what we have all asked for. Joy, connection, abundance and experience.
And to get there, to see it, to attract it we must first become it.
Must peel back the many layers of life that have left us scarred, fearful, feeling unworthy and betrayed.
But whatever force brought us here in the first place, I dont believe we were given lives that we aren’t strong enough to live.

And perhaps In the adventure of finding out why we chose to come back here
We might find everything that we desire and be able to hold out a hand to help another.
Hold each other once more like we once did.
Be surprised by the movements of time and how they are always leading us to the truth we long for.
Thats buried deep within us waiting to surface to shine and feel free of pain once more.

 

​Im so scared that Im wrong about everything
I so scared that everything I am is not meant for a place like this.
Im afraid that the world is destined for disconnection
And not the connectedness i know to be bliss.

When did it become cool to pretend we dont care
I dont know why we shy away from the moment thats there
Why do we shut down because of past fears or doubts
Will there ever be a time that ive dreamed so much about

We live in a world where we want magic solutions to problems
But refuse to believe in the magic that solves them
And we shut people out, label, laugh & close doors
On those who want things to be better for their life and yours
Or better yet we vanish, we turn into ghosts
Disappear back into that less complicated, numb world

We ignore all the problems that we ourselves have the power to solve
I guess we do live in the moment when we dont care what the future holds

Im afraid, so afraid that this is as good as it gets
That so many wont step up and dare to take more risks
To step though the veil of the scary unknown to perhaps find that all they wanted
Was there over there all along

For if our world is destined to become so closed off -  just co-dependance, arrogance and ignoring the signs 
I dont know if I want to be around then to see
Sometimes I just wish I could set myself free.
​
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I wrote this last night in a panic attack. Ive had a fair few of these in my life. It first started when I was 5 and my parents were dropping me off at a new school. I would scream and cling to mum and all I really remember is that I couldn’t breathe and my chest felt tight and I was terrified.

The next time I had one that I recall wouldn’t be until high school when my first love told me it was over between us.

Then there were many years of distraction, and numbing behaviour, in the rat race of the world when in my mid 20s I was awakened suddenly. That was when the madness really began. I wouldn’t however have a similar experience until my 30th birthday and then for a few months after. So i guess you would say ive 'suffered' from anxiety my whole life. Id prefer to say ive experienced anxiety - with a touch or two of depression (haha) 
​
This most recent one got me really curious - was I continuing this trend as a sort of human experiment?  My mind has been so light of late and yet here i am again? Could the cause of my anxiety be isolation, rejection, loneliness and disconnection. Only a week ago I was flying high, running around Bali with a good friend, meeting amazing people, living in the moment and allowing myself to be truely myself.
Now I sit alone, wondering what its all about. Love and acceptance, being truely seen and feeling connected to the world gives us humans a high that I dont think I could do justice in words. Yet we cant seem to hold on to it for long, cant seem to trust that it might come again or worse, we might have one bad experience of loss, rejection or disconnect that we close off to opening ourselves to it ever again.

No wonder people end their lives. This shit dont feel good at all. Yet for some reason i never allowed myself to close off. 

Considering I decided I didn’t come here to end my life a while back, I cant help but turn into an investigator when these moments repeat or arise in my life. I wanna understand the source, the reason, the trigger or the chemistry so that I can at least have the satisfaction of understanding it or find a form of empowerment or solution.

We are living in a world where its more likely for us to avoid real connection, to act like we dont care or even disappear without word from the lives of our friends and lovers, to avoid going any deeper than a surface level conversation. At all costs we must avoid being hurt like the last time!! or perhaps worse - being the one who has to do the hurting.
They are finding however that the solution to things like depression, addiction, criminal behaviour and more - is CONNECTION. For people to have real surface breaking connections with other human beings, to feel love and support and community. We are living in a time where we have so much more than we could ever need, the possibilities are all ones that were once said to be impossible and yet we are more depressed than anytime in our history. And in times where we are consuming so much information that it can feel like our minds are going a thousand miles a minute - that real human connection (at least in my experience) can feel like such a beautiful break. 

So in light of this, as i sit here in the dried sweat and tears of that latest breakdown/breakthrough - lets make a commitment to connect more? To really connect. To drop the BS stories of why we keep our walls up and DARE TO SHOW WE CARE. To care without motive or return requirements. To break down the barriers in each others minds about how the world is or can be. To help each other believe that we can have beautiful friendships and relationships and work environments.

Ive seen it happen but we cannot sustain it alone.

So what a lot of people don’t know about me from the last 8-10 years is all of the health stuff I experienced that lead me to what I now do today.

Unlike what seems to be on trend now, I didn’t record, photograph or document all of my lowest moments. I was in them alone and documenting that pain was the last thing on my mind.
So to recap….. I havent been able to properly digest bread or dairy since having to have a months worth of antibiotics in 2011 for my wisdom tooth removal. Back then we didnt have names for this but now its called IBS and leaky gut syndrome. I had ongoing issues with bladder infections, kidney function and thrush infections ensued. I then developed a benign tumor on my vocal chords which demonised once I cut dairy and most alcohol out of my system but i had to quit pursing singing as a career. I started having major abdomen and back pain in 2014 that no doctors could tell me why. I got glandular fever which became chronic fatigue as I couldn’t afford / had no time to be off work to recover. I then started getting chronic tension nerve spasms in my hips, back, shoulders and neck into my face. And unless I was basically removing myself from the world as we know it, only eating fresh produce and drinking only water and exercising minimum an hour every day …. I would feel some if not all of these things. And I was only in my mid 20’s.

Add in some depression and anxiety that comes with living alone in a country away from family, being single when you have always dreamed of having someone to do life with and making minimum wage for working your butt off to simply pay the bills.

Gaaahhhhhh ew that was a fun paragraph to write. It amazes me that I wallowed in that mess for so long and that I blindly allowed myself to be given the run around by so many professionals and not take more action myself. But when you’re young you wanna be able to have fun, to go out and do stupid stuff and her silly with your friends. It wasnt until mid 2018 that I was in a doctors office after being locked in a back spasm for weeks and having to fill out a symptoms checklist that this doctor said to me “you know its not normal to feel these kind of symptoms in your 20s let alone for most of your 20s”
To say my mind was blown would be a bit of an understatement.
I knew there weren’t other people around me who would get so debilitated all the time like me but I just assumed this was pretty normal (or it was my fault) as no one had ever invested enough to take the responsibility to tell me I shouldn’t be feeling like this.  Most previous doctors had spent about 30 seconds on history and never asked about symptoms except the ones in the moment.

At this point in 2018 I was seeing 3 different doctors who were telling me different things and wanting to do different tests. Because of the ongoing pain i had experienced in my abdomen most months since first attempting to come off the pill in 2014, they wanted to start testing me for PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) and Endometriosis. One prescribed me heavy pain meds and muscle relaxants for my back that did nothing to help and tore my stomach apart. And one was the aforementioned doctor who gave me some incredible advise for both my mind and my body to start looking into preventative gut health. I really didn't want to find out that i had a major problem. At this stage i didn't want a label from someone who wouldn't know how to fix me, i didn't want something to place focus on, to know what was 'wrong' with me. I wanted to clear that space in my mind to DECIDE for myself! 
Little did this doctor know I had already been in touch with a few people who were already in the business im now in. Id been looking into these natural products that were apparently helping not just people like me but anyone to feel like a super human (like our bodies should when they are naturally thriving and supported). I was then introduced to my now dear friend and mentor who gave me some of hers for free and told me to call her in a few days.
I called her the next afternoon like a drug addict and said “I’m all in”.
(I hadn’t gone to the bathroom for a week until that day so I was pretty sold tbh hahahahaha)
Since that moment I’ve been on the most incredible rollercoaster of my life so far. From that moment I decided (like an insane person) to not go back to the doctors. I decided to stop taking the contraceptive pill that id been wanting to stop (and had tried to stop) for many years.
        **thats another story but previously when I had tried to stop this pill id had nightmare symptoms I don’t even wanna go back to.   
I was also about to embark on a two month trip to India with very little money in the bank after paying all the doctors in previous weeks.
So needless to say I had all but given up. I figured if it was my time to go it was my time to go and I wasn’t gonna put my trip to India on hold (like the docs wanted me to)
I was turning myself into a human experiment to see that if I made THE DECISION to heal, THE DECISION to turn this thing around for me and THE DECISION to share the journey in order to help others……… then I would either die doing that….. or I would prove my theory correct.

Well look its been 6 months. Ive been to 5 countries. Ive pushed boundaries with my consumption. Ive run one retreat and assisted on another. Ive moved to Bali. Ive enjoyed having alcohol again. Ive finally learnt to surf. Ive learnt to ride a scooter. Ive met so many amazing people and connected with thousands more online! Ive got an amazing client base and even brighter team of people that I get to coach everyday through the process of creating their dream lives.

And I haven’t gotten sick.

Work for yourself they said. Its living the dream they said.

Well actually its pretty freakin amazing however id love to share a few little tips and tricks that ive learned in the process of working for myself (and in service of others) online whole on the move.

Number one. Thank goooood my job comes with a good healthcare plan.

Bopping around to different countries whilst starting your own online business and having to break down and through every limiting belief you’ve possible ever harboured …. Is both physically and mentally wild and exhausting.
Only a month before I started working online I was still in the grips of my chronic fatigue, pain, IBS and depression and would never have believed I would be capable of what was to come.

Ive since travelled through glorious India while building my network and connecting with so so many amazing people, many with stories similar to mine.
Ive retuned home to the Gold Coast and proceeded to work overtime hours at my day job while using all my stolen moments to continue working on my dream.
Somewhere in the extra hours of that month I co created a retreat in Bali with one of my business mentors, booked flights and prepared myself mentally to quit my job. There was no way I was getting more unpaid leave - and I had a distinct feeling it was time to risk it all.

At a time in my life where I was in the most debt id ever been in with the most amount of bill and very little savings - I was quitting my very stable full time job??  Um what?

Im wondering if you’re a little stressed out at this point reading all this. I am just thinking about it. Im also pretty damn proud that I was able to not only mentally but physically rise through all of this uncertainty.
Number two - Creating the space to really expand and surrender.

Since ive been in Bali ive experienced some highs and also some lows that only Bali could bring out in you. Anyone who’s been to Bali will probably know the strange energy that resides here. Like a person she will push and pull you both internally and externally. Bring you to the edges of your mind, your beliefs and your excuses. And I know that this was exactly where I needed to be in this time preparing to step into this new phase of service in the health and wellness world.

Of corse being on an island paradise is very much a dream when it comes to living costs and the food is just Devine. Scooting around on a bike is incredibly therapeutic and filling up both the tank and your belly for only  $2 isn’t to stressful either.
The people both local, expat and traveller are all so open to connection, new ideas and innovation and you really start to understand that what you put out you get back in spades. However, working for yourself is a commitment beyond any I could imagine. The opportunities to self sabotage are so available and procrastination becomes the devil at your door.
Im lucky to work in a business where I have so many support people who won’t let you get complacent, who believe in a higher purpose than just making money but in serving to make a difference.

Number Three - Dont be a stranger
Its pretty easy when your whole world really consists online to just work online and sleep and repeat which is what I was doing for a bit there. So many of us now spend the majority of our time in that online world and we (me only sometimes included) forget how energising it is to connect and interact with people in real life!
I wasn’t having fun, wasn’t meeting people, wasn’t filling my own cup.
Yes this was a process I had to go through - ive become so strong and independent on this crazy journey that sometimes I think I have to go it alone. However the core of the work that I do is all about human connection and I was avoiding this exact thing, for what. Fear, exhaustion, miscommunication, I could write a novel as to why.

I connected with a few of the amazing co-working spaces here in Canggu. Check them out if your ever in town (Dojo and Tropical Nomad).
I went out on the town a few times to dance and connect with people  - where I ended up meeting some amazing people who have since been of great impact to my process.
If you’re ever in Canggu solo and you dont know how to do this; co working spaces hold awesome events to connect people however I prefer going out to the local mini mart on Batu Belong, Deus Sundays or Old Mans Wednesdays. Have a chat to new people, dance, maybe even have a beverage or two and be sure to remember where you parked your scooter!
The importance of human connection is imperative to our development, our inspiration and our natural motivation as humans so of corse it would help us to expand as entrepreneurs. And living in a place as transient and alive as this means the amount of interactions and teachers you could encounter is extraordinary.

Bali for me is an important place to be to have the time to fill my own cup in order to support my clients and team in every possible moment I am needed. There are already so many stories to be told and lessons learnt and taught. Stay tuned for more :)

I had no desire to visit the southern states of India. It was a decision made between my friend and I at the beginning of the journey, before nothing went to plan and everything was challenged and changed.
I was happy in Rishikesh and thought quite seriously of leaving my flight south and staying on to the completion of my time.

It was only in one of the many quiet moments that I knew there was something for me in the saltier part of this vast country and im nothing if not an adventurer of the wildly unknown.

From the moment I walked into the little homestay turned hostel in Anjuna, I was greeted by an Indian, a Mexican and a Guatemalan… almost sounds like the start of a joke right.
And yet for me this was a sign of comfort, two of my favourite places from my past represented alongside the present.
I was greeted with “welcome home” and I really felt like I was.

After sleeping off the travel blues and finding my bearings in this little seaside town which (in peak season would have been bubbling with life) was almost all closed down and quiet due to the time of year.
For a good day or so I felt as if I may have made a mistake. Here I was, out of my element again, dumped by boyfriend and oldest friend and it would have been sooooo easy to fall right back into victimhood.

Then, the sun came out, the salt touched my skin and something in the energy changed.

Julio (Guatemala) ran an establishment based around exchange. Money was rarely mentioned and there was an expectation of community interaction and give back on a daily basis. For me, ready to turn full introvert/sorry for myself mode, it took some time to sit with how this cold work with me (miss independent)

Throughout that day new people were arriving, some walked into the space and changed their mind when confronted with Julios odd relaxed version on a check in and non rules speal.

But some people stayed, and we all soon realised that it was by no mistake.

I was captivated by these characters, their unique looks, accents, skin marred with ink and sweat and eyes that sparkled of stories to be told and heard.
There was also a gentle weariness in us all it seemed. As I sang in the hammock chair that evening swapping stories with my darling Luca, Das, Julio and Nikita, I felt a slight excitement and sadness at the thought of being here still when theres people were to move on.

We all had variable plans. I didn’t know if I could stay in this one place, feeling still quite disturbed and unstable after the massive shifts while on this journey. Most of the others planned to only stay a couple of days, having itinerary and plans to move onto.
On night three we all went to dinner to commemorate the last night for some…. And while at dinner we all decided….. to stay. To stay for the same period of time and leave to our next destinations after some much needed stillness by the sea.

Over the days that followed I experienced something I hadnt in a long time. The feeling that comes only from the completely energetic coming together of aligned human beings. Law of attraction in all her glory,
I spend days making fruit salads and helping cook and clean around the ‘home’
We were all whisked away for excursions and long midnight dinners by our amazing local friends Pio, Alecia and Das. We shared stories of adventure and pain and heartbreak. Tears were both shed and supported and slowly, joy started to creep in.
We were invited to so many lunches throughout the week of Ganesh festival (ironically - remover of obstacles) Were we ate local feasts off leaf plates on the floor with bright eyed kids running around laughing and delighted adults happy to simply offer their gifts to a few foreigners.

Our little family was not only felt by all but acknowledged openly and it was difficult to accept that we would only be aligned for this brief moment in time. And the day did come for goodbyes. But for anyone who has travelled and experienced the beauty of alignment. You understand that we don’t need things like online connections and planning to get what we need from each other. We simply need to follow our nose, to experience new places and people and understand that we are always meeting people who are sent to teach us, to allow us to all hold space for one another in our process and to believe in the power of venerability again.
I will never forget my little Anjuna Family, with an invitation turn not only return but to find each other again in the world as soon as possible!

​
*** Special mention to my dear friend Das. You are one of the most wonderful, giving and joyful humans I have ever come across and (despite you’re scary conditioning for the consuming of animals) you are so worthy of love and belonging and I do hope you find the way to break free of the shackles that hold you back from believing in this for yourself.

India was always going to be a place of movement. Where whatever needed to be experienced will be radically revealed, ready or not.
The assault on the senses moving through crowds of Shiva festival goers was the welcome we received upon arrival in there northern town of Rishikesh. Set into the mountains in the Ganges at the foothills of the Himalayas. We got to get a lay of the land having been dropped off outside the main town due to the inaccessibility for vehicles due to the festival. So, with full luggage strapped to our backs we trudged through mud and rain and crowds of men who had come from all over india dressed in their orange to give praise and party to Shiva.
We had arranged to volunteer at a local establishment to help with their yoga space but when we arrived (mid low season) there was little to do and lots of mould and mildew in the air.
Quickly it was clear that plans would have to change to sustain a level of health and well-being.
We selected a local hostel (Live Free Rishikesh) and set up house. With multiple levels and common areas with wifi and hammocks, it quickly felt like home. And when you would venture up to the rooftop terrace you suddenly had a 360 degree view of misty mountains. All for around AU$6 a night!
Venturing into town we discovered local cafes, Little Buddha, TAT and Shambala. Making a connection with the owner and ashtanga teacher at TAT cafe we spend many days here, eventually becoming part of the furniture (quite literally) assisting with classes, construction and entertainment.
Sitting on a grounded, cushioned seat, being served good dairy free coffee and local cuisine, while working on my new online business and watching the mist flow down the mighty river and dissipate into the day, was one of the most beautiful experiences ive had in a long time.
It seems so simple. But Ive always love to travel to discover stillness like this. Calm amongst the chaos.
When my dear friend decided to leave and move on in her journey and my long distance relationship abruptly and dramatically came to a holt, I knew I was in the best possible place to practise acceptance, forgiveness, self care and begin to detach for the need of a certain outcome.
What became the five weeks I spent in this magical town I experienced some huge shifts within myself. I sat on the terrace countless nights and rather than asking the skies and the infinite above me for all the things I thought I needed, I sat ask asked to be used.
I asked how to serve, how to use this space ive created within myself, to really kick my idea into high gear.
Rather than pleading and begging for conditions to improve an existence that I was so attached to becoming I surrendered to the possibility that it may not look the way I desire it to be but that doesn’t mean I cannot find gratitude for whats been, what is and whats to come and turn all that pain into a purpose that will lift not only my life but all those who come into play.


Its one thing to ask but its another to start taking action to move towards the unknown, knowing that the dots will connect but detaching from the how.
These moments spend here, in the quaint cafes, in my hammock with the breeze twisting through my hair, on the terrace staring out to the mountains and the river that flows energy down from the heavens themselves, I found my alignment, not only found it, I finally understood it and accepted the challenge to consciously act from my higher self from hence forth.


And you could say the rest is history, but maybe thats for a little further down the track.