Ive noticed how much can happen in a decade and how much im capable of in just a year alone let alone 10! Going from a life with not very much to report to having to cut whole paragraphs from this blog post to not overwhelm you. So so much has happened both good and shit!. Soo much has been, and there is sooooo much to come. Im seriously intrigued! So here we go..........
Living in NZ with a good job, good friends and a partner who was depressed and drug addicted and not much of a partner tbh.
Moved to Australia for the second attempt. Got a great job but not many good friends as I was still involved in a life driven by my partner - of chasing drugs for happiness.
Started getting itchy feet to travel, had wanted to for so many years but my partner kept convincing me to wait until he had saved enough to come with me (never happened)
Ended up having to support my partner emotionally AND financially. Finally had my awakening and tried to leave that relationship which didn’t go easy. Got demoted at work due to how messy it became and was living off peanut butter toast and alcohol for a while (not so healthy babe)
Got back on my feet at work. Saved up and went to Europe for two months. First started experiencing signed of chronic health conditions. Started going out on my own to local bars and jam nights and making friends with local muso’s. Moved into a flat with some absolute gems & met some incredible women who became amazing friends.
Started singing publicly again for the first time since school. Got my own apartment. Started working as a music agent on the side. Got diagnosed with a benign tumour on my vocal cord and advised not to sing too much. Started doing yoga more and gave up excessive drinking and dairy. Shrunk the tumour in 4 months and decided to become a yoga teacher.
Got a new apartment ON THE BEACH!!! Saved and did my yoga training in Bali! Woke the F up in Bali and made some new friends to this day. Experienced some friendships become not so good anymore. Got headhunted and hired by the biggest company in the world. Got glandular fever, broke my toe & got hospitalised with kidney failure all in my first month.
***side note: zero relationships, since the only men I interacted with were ones I pursued or who would pick me up for one reason while drunk at the bar.
Was struggling hard with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and IBS but no doctor was telling me this or offering much help or advise. Did some nude modelling (which became an art show and calendar) Met a really good human who taught me that I was far more special, talented and important than I realised. Danced my ass off sober at a lot of sunday sessions. Ran yoga classes at my home. Decided to leave Australia to pursue yoga and adventure on the other side of the world. Tried to live as healthy as possible while only earning peanuts.
Traveled to Bali again. Packed up and left Australia for Central America. The trip didn’t quite go as planned, I had some rather traumatic experiences (as well as some incredible ones too mind you) and I had to face off with some pretty dark and scary parts of myself. Lived in Nicaragua and Mexico teaching yoga but partying all the time (because thats what you do right??). Physically I was getting sicker and sicker so after 8 months I flew to Bali, then NZ, then felt called back to Australia to try to start over. Expressed my heart and got rejected.
Spent 6 months living with a good friend in what Ive since dubbed ‘soul bootcamp’. Diving into spirituality, sobriety, celibacy and energy work. Expressed my heart and got rejected by another. Got another beachside apartment and lived by myself for 6 months. Went to Bali again. Turned 30. Had my first thoughts of suicide. Decided to take a step back from my community to see what stayed or chased (nothing did). Started digging deep into self development and really relishing my time alone. Ran my own yoga classes.
Released a range of branded apparel that didn’t sell. Started a YouTube channel of all I was learning about human behaviour - that seemed to cause alot of people to stop talking to me. Got promoted at work but then more mistreated for it, it seemed. Was doing free coaching for a few dear friends and supporting many others through my Instagram page. Became sicker and more run down than ever. Started taking some weird fruit and vege pills which seemed to help. Got asked to be a coach within the very program that was finally helping me with all my health issues. Went to India for 2 months. Quit my job and moved to Bali to run my first retreat, spend time healing and throw myself into this new work online. Noticed ALOT of people (and close friends) unfriend, unfollow or block me.
*side note: still no relationship and no one asking me/ taking me on a date. Lots of people telling me all the things i was probably doing wrong though.... cool.
Was pretty broken down by all the backlash and change since following my intuition and my heart. Met some fun people and almost threw it all away to play it small. Decided to go all in with my business. Got my heart broken (then ripped out and stomped on a fair few times) all at the same time I was finally starting to make an impact with my business.
Used my only savings to book a retreat. Spent my days building incredible friendships online, learning to surf!! writing my book and...... trying not to give into the darkness of wanting to kill myself when I was alone with my mind and memories at night.
Ive helped over 30 people improve their healthstyles. Over 25 people make some extra money on the side of their everyday for helping others. Ive helped and inspired countless others through my posting, writing, videos and dancing!
Made some pretty incredible mates. Met sooooo many of my Instagram besties!! Finally met my business mentors when I flew to our biz conference in Australia on a last minute whim. Reconnected and found a beautiful friendship with a dear old friend who challenged me (first person to do so in a while) to step the F into my role and OWN WHO I AM and what im here to do. Ran a sold out retreat!!! (at a financial loss of about $3000 - still a win I think). Got diagnosed with a massive tumour in my uterus and was told to cancel all my travel plans and island life and return home to NZ to seek treatment - which sadly my insurance dont want to cover BUT meant i could spend Christmas with my parents for the first time in over a decade.......and here we are.
Ive felt bruised, battered and totally broken by the last 10 years. And yet I’ve also felt so many moments of immense joy and gratitude for everything that has happened. So grateful that I created a business that allows me to work anywhere. So grateful that I stuck to my guns and was true to my values and my life is constantly being guided to more of that which reflects that. So grateful for the people in my life who ARE IN IT, for themselves, for each other and using any joy they create to pay it forward.
A new decade doesn’t mean that everything's gonna be amazing from now on. There is always gonna be ups and downs, ebbs and flows. But that last 10 🤦🏼♀️ was a lot of hard, a lot of pain, a lot of loss and a lot of struggle because I ALLOWED IT TO BE.
Im committing to breaking that cycle moving forwards and helping anyone else who wants to be held accountable to do the same in theirs.
You can’t always get what you want when you want it. But I believe, for all those who strive to be brave & kind and keep going.... the universe is ALWAYS answering with one of three:
1: YES, YOU CAN HAVE THAT
2: NOT YET
3: I HAVE SOMETHING A MILLION TIMES BETTER FOR YOU DARLING
Yes we have been bruised but not broken….. some days i also dont know how i keep going...... and yet, I’m SOMEHOW we keep going right?
Im actually soooooo excited to take things to the next level and allow in a lot more joy and abundance than whats been. Its DONE baby! Own it!
At a certain point, she had spent so much time alone that many people had cautioned not to get ‘too good’ at being alone. So much so that she even started adding that to her victim story. ‘Oh god ive become so good at being on my own that im now too independent, self sufficient, too much for anyone else to see themselves with’.
This morning she rose early. The gold of the morning light was barely visible as she rode her bike down the coast. Music playing in her ears, shuffling songs of the past seeping their sounds into her present moment. Her face suddenly warm and wet with tears she blinked them away, over and over, in order to still see the road in front of her.
Arriving to a familiar place. The sound of the crashing waves, smell of incense and the ragged stairs to her safe space on the edge of the peninsular. Exhausted. When was the last time she stopped?
Theres been moments in many of the days where she’s almost lost that constant battle with the mind and just given up. This was one of those moments. “I could just sleep, just turn everything off, cancel all my calls and abandon ship for a while”.
But if she does that, what was the point in going through all that pain?
So she dragged herself to her little cafe, set up her computer and got to work. Eyes puffing and blinking through the tiredness. But with each task that was completed she felt her energy rising. Getting to spend her ‘work day’ connecting with other people and talking about magic and possibility, she realised hours later that she no longer felt tired.
A thought occurred to her to connect with a particular friend who turned out to be staying just around the corner. “Lets go to this place I know tonight for a sauna and ice bath session” she said. And so it was.
From tired and tearful to sitting in a sauna with a dear old friend, plunging into ice coldness and feeling her body come alive again. To sharing a meal with a group of new people, talking of success and dreams and the best things that happened that day. How quickly the universe can move once you decide to move for it, she thought.
Discomfort is part of the journey. Without it, how could we possibly appreciate comfort and happiness when it arrives?
And as she drove back to the house, music surrounding her once more, she was smiling softly and so blissfully calm. As she collected her (delicious vegan mint choc chip) ice cream and wandered barefoot down the paths to her cliff top room, she decided that being ‘too good’ at being alone, was totally ok with her. More than ok.
We come into this world to know who we are. To love them and to live out our life with ourselves. Others will come and dance with us on that journey. For a month, a year, ten years or more but in all those moments in-between, how could she not want to be soooooo good at being with herself?
Content and calm she closed her eyes to the sound of waves, eager to wake to another day of this life, with the love of her life - herself.
It is no one else’s responsibility to fill your cup. Not your family, not your friends, not your partner. YOU!
And yeah, you could play the victim and say that sucks! But I don’t know about you, who wants to be a victim?? As much as the victim gets attention and pitty, it’s not a sustainable energy to live in. It exhausts you, it takes from those around you and does not provide a long term happiness that we are all hoping to experience.
You wanna meet your life from WHOLENESS. You wanna meet as one with yourself. You wanna exist in the world as someone who is so deliciously whole on your own that everything and every ONE else that comes into your life is just that amazing extra thing! When half’s come together you just create co-dependancy. You create an existence where you are always being pulled back and forth between energies that want to surge forward but can easily be pulled back. So your number one priority is to fall in love with YOU!
But how good is that!?
And when wholes come together and they partner up and walk towards their own mountains……. holy crap!
Trust the process, love the teachers that show you want you do and don’t want to allow and experience. Hold space, forgiveness and unconditional love for every messy, emotional and uncertain moment along that journey that will lead you to your own wholeness. And the universe will always, and in ALL WAYS, line up the rest.
I think the meaning of forgiveness is the acceptance that you’re not gonna go back and try to change the past. Sometimes we can get caught in the past. The injustice can be so great, so easy to use as your victim story, to get attention in a moment, a social status even. But if you choose to stay in the pain of something you can never change you will ruin your present and future days and that of those you love around you. Abraham hicks always says "you cant get there from there!". You cant get to a good feeling, a happy relationship, a healthy body, an abundant bank account, when you are entertaining and immersing yourself in the story of the past or present pain.
I think ive found my way, my way to relinquish the sorrows of the past. Where now I can feed upon them and nourish them, as they are gifts!! that lead to a level of peace that I previously could not have expected possible.
I forgive myself for loving, I forgive him for cheating, I forgive them for hating and I forgive myself for believing. Believing that I might deserve it. That I’m not enough or I’m too much. That somewhere along the line I might have done something to warrant being excommunicated and ignored. Forgetting all that has been and all that I know; about myself and my strength. Believing that I could so easily loose all of the things I’ve learnt, about my love, my energy and my capability to find the beauty in EVERY experience.
I think i had reached a point this year, where I had become ‘too good’ at being on my own. I really had resigned myself to the belief that I was not put here to be with another person. Eight years without a companion. Thats like 2,800 bedtimes spent in my own company. I decided I must just be here for a different purpose. A vessel, a guide, to help others find strength and joy and peace that I had managed to find on my own because I was really good at being on my own. I could amuse myself, inspire myself, pleasure myself and support myself. However, despite this, I knew how important connection with others was. The few moments I was able to experience companionship over those years was the most inspiring and energising force. A force that lead me to my purpose, becoming a yoga teacher and spiritual leader. Inspired me off the kitchen floor, crimson dripping from my arm. Inspired me to start and commit to a business in health that is healing people all around the world. Inspiring me to come to Bali alone, the place that would later become my home. Inspiring endless poetry and now a book. Inspiring the songs that ive dreamed of writing my whole life.
I have spent a lot of time lately, looking back and connecting the dots as to how I got here. Yes, all of the things I have done, I HAVE DONE on my own. But the inspiration and the motivation to move into that challenge would not have come without soooooo many incredible people. Yet through this, I wouldn’t ask for a hug when I needed it, for a chat, to go for dinner and a surf with other people. So use to being alone I was.
Then I got to experience what companionship felt like again. Aligning with another so beautifully and moving through the ups and downs knowing that there was another human who wanted to know how I was feeling. Who wanted to feel with me. To dance and sing and play in the world as two, not one. This was a beautiful gift from the universe that inspired a belief inside of me that could have come no other way. But like all things in my time I was lead to a new level. A place where I could only go alone. Where I would be stripped bare of this beautiful thing that I had surrendered my power and, maybe even begun to surrender my purpose to - so in love with the feeling I was.
I was suddenly alone again, however feeling now, like I had lost all of that strength and that ability to be alone, built up after so many years. Powerless in a time where my choices in location and business needed me to be IN MY POWER more than ever before. Suddenly all of the activities I would do on my own that brought me peace in moments of loneliness we’re now reminders of the very thing that was making me feel powerless. This is what brought me into complete vulnerability, having no other choice but to ask for help from other human beings, for the first time in in my life.
This has been the most humbling experience. Having to live the very thing I have been teaching others. To work so hard on yourself to become yourself, to let go of and release those who will step away from you for doing so - but then, to come back full circle and be open to receiving love from those who come in and accept you for who you are and what you are experiencing. To know that it’s ok to turn up to a friends house with swollen eyes and weak spirit and not feel like a burden. To ask to be held in silence, not needing to explain, not needing to pull apart the problem at hand, to analyse it or even understand it - but to simply be in it.
In previous years when I have needed this from others it wasn’t available. So I didn’t even believe that it was allowed for me to ask for and receive it now. I know that I could have learnt this NO OTHER WAY.
Ive spoken many times before that I believe that our true purpose in life is to find out who we are. But in all essence who we are is always connected to who those around us are. We are all one consciousness or energy (if you wanna get scientific about it)
We are always being aligned with people and experiences that will lead us closer to this knowing of ourselves. To learn what we are capable of within, but also how we present and allow that person that we are to be in life with others.
I think it all comes down to forgiveness and vulnerability for me at this point. To forgive yourself for swimming in the illusion that it could have been ANY different. To forgive your teachers for they are all swimming in the same ocean as you. Trying to understand who they are and be both strong and vulnerable all at the same time.
Some days I indulge in the desire of being someone who isn’t aware of all these layers of life. To be blissfully comfortable in a mundane experience. Happy enough, without wanting more.
But then a voice inside me yells, in a distinctly New Zealand accent……. ‘Naaaaah bro!”.
Ok, thankyou, more please, lets go!
Of the many parts of Bali I’ve explored (and loved) I never thought I would end up basing myself in Canggu.
Years ago I acknowledged that the party scene wasn’t for me and that’s all I saw in this busy beachy town. The drinking, drugs, using substance and loud noise and sexual validation to distract from the gorgeousness of self evolvement - it wasn’t my jam any longer. So I lived for a while in the floaty, hyper conscious world of the deeply spiritual community, for a time. Turned out this didn’t fit me either.
Ill never forget running away to Canggu for a day with my two soul brothers. Throwing ourselves into the ocean and paddling into waves in giddy excitement, feeling like id come home again. I knew no one who lived here and I knew id be starting over once again but I was pretty darn good at that by now.
I found myself a little sanctuary outside of town where I could work and be in the quiet while still close to everything. Here, I got to work building my online business. I played around with some of the social circles of expats only to still feel like I wasn’t quite aligned with fancy gatherings, talk of investments and crypto currencies. I started missing the post surf shit talk with the boys from home, the simple life vibes that would be such a perfect balance for all the ‘not so simple’ work I was doing in my working hours.
So I sent out my request to the ether, the universe, whatever you wanna call it …. That week i wanted to end my life more than ever before.... and then, as the new year began, I was beautifully aligned with two soulmates. I spent a blissful couple of weeks dancing on waves, scooting around and taking bestie naps with my girl - who awakened a playfulness in me that I had all but forgotten…. And just as she had to leave I was aligned with the boy. But more than that, I was inducted into a community and a home. Two Homestays, side by side, that turned out to have a constantly rotating and revisiting cast of characters. And somehow in this little hub of (at the time) party madness, people from all parts of the world and all walks of life, age and character were living together and thriving.
I was drawn back into the party world here, then. And to be honest, I really needed it. I realised I had been working EVERYDAY for years on either other peoples businesses or my own. Here I saw a beautiful opportunity to exercise my newly rediscovered playfulness and just enjoy the NOW. It was a wild and fast six weeks of play. But despite some, perhaps, destructive behaviour, I started experiencing wishes being fulfilled the more I let go and enjoyed each moment for what it was. I still didn’t drink too much as I was simply thriving off this energy of community and friendship. Some of those simple moments, lying in a hammock or popping up on waves next to the boys were, to date, some of the happiest memories of my life so far.
But duty called. I needed to return to Australia and NZ to wrap up a life I had not planned to leave behind for island life. But I knew I would be back on warm shores soon enough.
Time moves people on, it always will and I knew when I got back some of the faces would be the same but it would be forever changed. What I didn’t expect however is that this little community spot could become even more aligned with everything I would love to have as a home base.
The party still exists and many of the characters are the same and yet we are evolving together. Most days I can wander in and find myself in a beautifully intellectual or creative conversation with someone old or someone new. The daily chase of the next big high has become the daily chase for good waves and good food together. I spend my mornings working and my afternoons playing music and laughing by the pool. Talking about music and books, podcasts and life. Catching sunsets with coconuts over sunrises with hangovers .... with people whom, without which, I would not have been sitting here writing this story (Im soooo fucking grateful for you all).
The whole ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’ quote seems so cheesy and yet appropriate. But its more than that. It is each persons vibe that EVOLVES a tribe. Each persons desire to find play in more than just the party. Each persons story and smile that make each day worth getting up for in the morning. Conversations that dont just spark new ideas but ignite them into roaring flames of excitement and motivation. The party will always be there to indulge and enjoy when desired but for me, to experience a collective of people banding together to create a community of beautiful balance of all these things, was something I could never have expected to come out of all this.
Im sure we will all have to come and go at times. Im sure life will move me to quieter spots eventually (Im watching you Bingin real estate) and many of the faces and energies may change but I’m so grateful to be part of the evolution of this place, with all the people past present and future who will come along.
But for now you’ll probably find me smiling softly, salty from the surf, surrounded by soulmates eating some damn fiiiinnnne Indian/Mexican fusion ;)
If you have ever been to Bali you would have left different than before. Theres no doubt about it. Even if you came here, drank waaaaay to many bintings, had a scooter accident and didn’t venture towards anything spiritual - I guarantee you were still changed by Mama Bali.
My friends and I have had this running joke for a long time now. Bali is not a place. Its an energy. Its a calling home to yourself. You CANNOT come here and not be challenged to reveal yourself in some way, shape or form.
Each journey to this sweet smelling, warm air’d island has created new awareness within me and almost violently stripped away layers of this being that ive created over the years. Bali taught me how important yoga would be in my life and that of many in the years to come. She taught me that i could be the confident salty beach babe id always wanted to be and attract some very good looking men along the way (even if they didn’t stick around long haha). She showed me how people could be kind beyond measure even if they couldn’t utter a world of the same language as you. Each time I would visit I would instantly feel at home, my body would relax. Something about the combination of filtered water, fresh food, warm skin and cheap price tags was as good as a two hour long hug to all my limiting belief systems of the past. I felt instantly healthy (even though I was always sick anywhere else) playful and calm. Even amongst the chaos off the traffic & techno. And due to work visa restrictions she also awoke an awareness and desire within me to find a way to work remotely so that I could exist here more than not.
Each time Bali has stripped me of the things that would not serve the vision I was creating. Its be soooo uncomfortable and yet, exactly what had to happen to lead me to today.
So when I finally aligned the knowledge of using nature to heal my years of chronic illness and my yoga and life experience knowledge as a tool to coach women online and work remotely…… I knew it was time.
I knew I still had layers to remove. All of us have layers of heavy traumas and beliefs that are built up over our lifetime - covering the person who first entered this world with a message. I knew I needed to remove these blockages that were not serving me in order to serve others.
I think I was, at first ,under some romanticised idea that Mama Bali would go easy on me from that point on………..
Its safe to say this past year has been the hardest …. But also the most rewarding and beautiful year of my life.
Money and worthiness. Love and heartbreak. Finding belief in myself when all else is showing me, telling me, almost convincing me I shouldn’t.
She has secluded me, had me eating rice and veggies for weeks just to get by. Had me drunk in the midst of the party. Had me held in the arms of one I would never have otherwise found or could never have dreamed up (or could I?). She has lead me to the beautiful people who surround me, who cheer me on - when sometimes all I wanted was to give up entirely and end the pain. She has given and taken away over and over and over and over again - all to see…… if I really want to have what ive asked for & to help those I can.
At least when I’m stripped bare, screaming to the moon ‘why’ - I know that tomorrow I can rise again, run along her warm shores, glide along her smooth waves, lye under the gold in the sky and know, that I asked for all of this. And I love every moment for exactly what it is and where it is leading!
Thankyou, more please Mama Bali!
A reflection of all the light and playful sides of myself that I so easily forget are there
Dancing under the moonlight of common dreams
Rising each day with ambition to be the change in this world we so wish to see
For truth and a future full of sunshine
Our time together as wonderful as that apart
When tensions arise I catch your eye and we will laugh
Knowing it's only within me (or you) that any conflict has arisen.
My trigger or yours, we take our time to rendezvous with the discomfort of our own healing and growth.
As above, so below. As within, so without
There is not a day I feel any doubt
A peaceful, gentle, playful life
A magical place of ocean mornings and musical midnights.
Warm light glows as I hold your arm
These moments are ours, in this place so simple & calm
Warm lips press against mine in the dark
A touch ill never forget
Electricity moves through to the very depths of my soul
And I am alive
All of this is divinely mine with or without you by my side
Your presence simply adds that extra thing to everything I do
Ignites the spark behind my eyes
An excitement from deep within that awakens parts of me i never knew were there
When I look at you with wild eyes that could devour you whole
You willingly invite me into your power, you encourage all that is beautiful and sensual to emerge from places I’ve hidden, inspiring me to take control.
Sometimes, I will need to go on my own, to explore the intricate pathways of my unique journey
But so will you and I will not shed tears for time apart.
It is a beautiful gift that only makes us stronger.
There is time and so much of the dream world to mould into reality
Using imagination to create possibility, for a life that overflows with the
glittering waters of the ocean that we sit beside each morning with our cups of coffee.
And when my voice trembles, trying to describe how I feel
For all that we have willed into sweet existence
You look into my eyes and I no longer need to say a word
Because you know. You are ME, I am YOU,
And we are the enchanting story that will one day be told
To those feeling lost as we once were, so long ago.
A month ago a dear friend challenged me to commit to meditating everyday. Ive always been so in tune with my intuition and the past two years of my life every time ive trusted my intuition it has lead me to moments and creations of ABSOLUTE MAGIC. So much so that is scares the shit out of me.
I was excited about this challenge as I knew I still had blocks remaining between my current energies and the energy of the life I want to create and attract. What I wasn’t prepared for was the dis-ease and the anger and the fear that would arise every morning in my seated stillness. I was expecting to find the peace and clarity that I have found previously when ive committed to this practise but instead I found the blocks I was asking to remove - and it hasn’t been pleasant.
When you get that in tune with this level of awareness it can almost be too much. Especially when suddenly my physical manifestations challenge everything I feel to be the truth. I hate doubting the very knowledge that seems to come so naturally and deep from within me. Perhaps even that awareness is the block. The awareness that, although most people would call me a fool for trusting something that cant be seen, felt, heard, tasted or touched, I hold my trust in it because only I know what my truth is.
I dont think that feeling more is something to afraid of but we are afraid, we are all afraid of being hurt and disappointed and we sabotage ourselves in the day to day. We avoid peeling back all the bullshit in our own minds - the thoughts in our head that aren’t all the truth because its the human condition to feel like we aren’t good enough just as we are.But we are always and IN ALL WAYS everything just as we are.
Anything extra that comes along is just like a wonderful extra thing for us to enjoy on top of our full inner abundance
I dont know what else I want to even write about this. It is you, it always is. And when you can understand that and embrace that it releases the resistance for everything else to flow and fall into place.
Some Facts First: