I think the meaning of forgiveness is the acceptance that you’re not gonna go back and try to change the past. Sometimes we can get caught in the past. The injustice can be so great, so easy to use as your victim story, to get attention in a moment, a social status even. But if you choose to stay in the pain of something you can never change you will ruin your present and future days and that of those you love around you. Abraham hicks always says "you cant get there from there!". You cant get to a good feeling, a happy relationship, a healthy body, an abundant bank account, when you are entertaining and immersing yourself in the story of the past or present pain.
I think ive found my way, my way to relinquish the sorrows of the past. Where now I can feed upon them and nourish them, as they are gifts!! that lead to a level of peace that I previously could not have expected possible.
I forgive myself for loving, I forgive him for cheating, I forgive them for hating and I forgive myself for believing. Believing that I might deserve it. That I’m not enough or I’m too much. That somewhere along the line I might have done something to warrant being excommunicated and ignored. Forgetting all that has been and all that I know; about myself and my strength. Believing that I could so easily loose all of the things I’ve learnt, about my love, my energy and my capability to find the beauty in EVERY experience.
I think i had reached a point this year, where I had become ‘too good’ at being on my own. I really had resigned myself to the belief that I was not put here to be with another person. Eight years without a companion. Thats like 2,800 bedtimes spent in my own company. I decided I must just be here for a different purpose. A vessel, a guide, to help others find strength and joy and peace that I had managed to find on my own because I was really good at being on my own. I could amuse myself, inspire myself, pleasure myself and support myself. However, despite this, I knew how important connection with others was. The few moments I was able to experience companionship over those years was the most inspiring and energising force. A force that lead me to my purpose, becoming a yoga teacher and spiritual leader. Inspired me off the kitchen floor, crimson dripping from my arm. Inspired me to start and commit to a business in health that is healing people all around the world. Inspiring me to come to Bali alone, the place that would later become my home. Inspiring endless poetry and now a book. Inspiring the songs that ive dreamed of writing my whole life.
I have spent a lot of time lately, looking back and connecting the dots as to how I got here. Yes, all of the things I have done, I HAVE DONE on my own. But the inspiration and the motivation to move into that challenge would not have come without soooooo many incredible people. Yet through this, I wouldn’t ask for a hug when I needed it, for a chat, to go for dinner and a surf with other people. So use to being alone I was.
Then I got to experience what companionship felt like again. Aligning with another so beautifully and moving through the ups and downs knowing that there was another human who wanted to know how I was feeling. Who wanted to feel with me. To dance and sing and play in the world as two, not one. This was a beautiful gift from the universe that inspired a belief inside of me that could have come no other way. But like all things in my time I was lead to a new level. A place where I could only go alone. Where I would be stripped bare of this beautiful thing that I had surrendered my power and, maybe even begun to surrender my purpose to - so in love with the feeling I was.
I was suddenly alone again, however feeling now, like I had lost all of that strength and that ability to be alone, built up after so many years. Powerless in a time where my choices in location and business needed me to be IN MY POWER more than ever before. Suddenly all of the activities I would do on my own that brought me peace in moments of loneliness we’re now reminders of the very thing that was making me feel powerless. This is what brought me into complete vulnerability, having no other choice but to ask for help from other human beings, for the first time in in my life.
This has been the most humbling experience. Having to live the very thing I have been teaching others. To work so hard on yourself to become yourself, to let go of and release those who will step away from you for doing so - but then, to come back full circle and be open to receiving love from those who come in and accept you for who you are and what you are experiencing. To know that it’s ok to turn up to a friends house with swollen eyes and weak spirit and not feel like a burden. To ask to be held in silence, not needing to explain, not needing to pull apart the problem at hand, to analyse it or even understand it - but to simply be in it.
In previous years when I have needed this from others it wasn’t available. So I didn’t even believe that it was allowed for me to ask for and receive it now. I know that I could have learnt this NO OTHER WAY.
Ive spoken many times before that I believe that our true purpose in life is to find out who we are. But in all essence who we are is always connected to who those around us are. We are all one consciousness or energy (if you wanna get scientific about it)
We are always being aligned with people and experiences that will lead us closer to this knowing of ourselves. To learn what we are capable of within, but also how we present and allow that person that we are to be in life with others.
I think it all comes down to forgiveness and vulnerability for me at this point. To forgive yourself for swimming in the illusion that it could have been ANY different. To forgive your teachers for they are all swimming in the same ocean as you. Trying to understand who they are and be both strong and vulnerable all at the same time.
Some days I indulge in the desire of being someone who isn’t aware of all these layers of life. To be blissfully comfortable in a mundane experience. Happy enough, without wanting more.
But then a voice inside me yells, in a distinctly New Zealand accent……. ‘Naaaaah bro!”.
Ok, thankyou, more please, lets go!