This is my fear
Opened in front of you all
Ready to be ridiculed and reduced till there is nothing left to give
At least thats the expectation I build up in my mind
For past experience showed me that so many become disconnected and unkind
Still I open my eyes and my heart everyday
And everyday I am able to see so much beauty in my way
And those wonderful ones who see it too.
The willingness and vulnerability of being present in the very deliciousness of this moment, hold more magic that I could possibly describe.
For everything eventually comes to an end, but for now, we are here and it’s so extraordinary.
I do fear the unknown. The knowing that things will end. The knowing ill have to go back to a place im afraid to be.
To face off with whatever awaits me there that is part of my story, my journey, my healing, my growth.
The only way, is to do it alone... and yet im not alone.
Ive met so many parts of my soul along the way and the more I leap into each day with my heart shining though my eyes
Like an untouched, un hurt child
The more I find you, find them and in turn find more of myself.
Even if not physically connected, as we move on our own paths to our own destinies,
I hold those moments in time. Those pieces of my heart with me always.
They are the strength I come back to, the love that drives me forward.
The reminder that there is a world possible that I previously only dreamed of.
Perhaps everything that is happening is simply preparing us for all that we have asked for.
That road can look ragged and unpleasant and somedays may feel unfair and nonsensical.
Yes what ive asked for, what we have all asked for. Joy, connection, abundance and experience.
And to get there, to see it, to attract it we must first become it.
Must peel back the many layers of life that have left us scarred, fearful, feeling unworthy and betrayed.
But whatever force brought us here in the first place, I dont believe we were given lives that we aren’t strong enough to live.
And perhaps In the adventure of finding out why we chose to come back here
We might find everything that we desire and be able to hold out a hand to help another.
Hold each other once more like we once did.
Be surprised by the movements of time and how they are always leading us to the truth we long for.
Thats buried deep within us waiting to surface to shine and feel free of pain once more.
Im so scared that Im wrong about everything
I so scared that everything I am is not meant for a place like this.
Im afraid that the world is destined for disconnection
And not the connectedness i know to be bliss.
When did it become cool to pretend we dont care
I dont know why we shy away from the moment thats there
Why do we shut down because of past fears or doubts
Will there ever be a time that ive dreamed so much about
We live in a world where we want magic solutions to problems
But refuse to believe in the magic that solves them
And we shut people out, label, laugh & close doors
On those who want things to be better for their life and yours
Or better yet we vanish, we turn into ghosts
Disappear back into that less complicated, numb world
We ignore all the problems that we ourselves have the power to solve
I guess we do live in the moment when we dont care what the future holds
Im afraid, so afraid that this is as good as it gets
That so many wont step up and dare to take more risks
To step though the veil of the scary unknown to perhaps find that all they wanted
Was there over there all along
For if our world is destined to become so closed off - just co-dependance, arrogance and ignoring the signs
I dont know if I want to be around then to see
Sometimes I just wish I could set myself free.
I wrote this last night in a panic attack. Ive had a fair few of these in my life. It first started when I was 5 and my parents were dropping me off at a new school. I would scream and cling to mum and all I really remember is that I couldn’t breathe and my chest felt tight and I was terrified.
The next time I had one that I recall wouldn’t be until high school when my first love told me it was over between us.
Then there were many years of distraction, and numbing behaviour, in the rat race of the world when in my mid 20s I was awakened suddenly. That was when the madness really began. I wouldn’t however have a similar experience until my 30th birthday and then for a few months after. So i guess you would say ive 'suffered' from anxiety my whole life. Id prefer to say ive experienced anxiety - with a touch or two of depression (haha)
This most recent one got me really curious - was I continuing this trend as a sort of human experiment? My mind has been so light of late and yet here i am again? Could the cause of my anxiety be isolation, rejection, loneliness and disconnection. Only a week ago I was flying high, running around Bali with a good friend, meeting amazing people, living in the moment and allowing myself to be truely myself.
Now I sit alone, wondering what its all about. Love and acceptance, being truely seen and feeling connected to the world gives us humans a high that I dont think I could do justice in words. Yet we cant seem to hold on to it for long, cant seem to trust that it might come again or worse, we might have one bad experience of loss, rejection or disconnect that we close off to opening ourselves to it ever again.
No wonder people end their lives. This shit dont feel good at all. Yet for some reason i never allowed myself to close off.
Considering I decided I didn’t come here to end my life a while back, I cant help but turn into an investigator when these moments repeat or arise in my life. I wanna understand the source, the reason, the trigger or the chemistry so that I can at least have the satisfaction of understanding it or find a form of empowerment or solution.
We are living in a world where its more likely for us to avoid real connection, to act like we dont care or even disappear without word from the lives of our friends and lovers, to avoid going any deeper than a surface level conversation. At all costs we must avoid being hurt like the last time!! or perhaps worse - being the one who has to do the hurting.
They are finding however that the solution to things like depression, addiction, criminal behaviour and more - is CONNECTION. For people to have real surface breaking connections with other human beings, to feel love and support and community. We are living in a time where we have so much more than we could ever need, the possibilities are all ones that were once said to be impossible and yet we are more depressed than anytime in our history. And in times where we are consuming so much information that it can feel like our minds are going a thousand miles a minute - that real human connection (at least in my experience) can feel like such a beautiful break.
So in light of this, as i sit here in the dried sweat and tears of that latest breakdown/breakthrough - lets make a commitment to connect more? To really connect. To drop the BS stories of why we keep our walls up and DARE TO SHOW WE CARE. To care without motive or return requirements. To break down the barriers in each others minds about how the world is or can be. To help each other believe that we can have beautiful friendships and relationships and work environments.
Ive seen it happen but we cannot sustain it alone.
So what a lot of people don’t know about me from the last 8-10 years is all of the health stuff I experienced that lead me to what I now do today.
Unlike what seems to be on trend now, I didn’t record, photograph or document all of my lowest moments. I was in them alone and documenting that pain was the last thing on my mind.
So to recap….. I havent been able to properly digest bread or dairy since having to have a months worth of antibiotics in 2011 for my wisdom tooth removal. Back then we didnt have names for this but now its called IBS and leaky gut syndrome. I had ongoing issues with bladder infections, kidney function and thrush infections ensued. I then developed a benign tumor on my vocal chords which demonised once I cut dairy and most alcohol out of my system but i had to quit pursing singing as a career. I started having major abdomen and back pain in 2014 that no doctors could tell me why. I got glandular fever which became chronic fatigue as I couldn’t afford / had no time to be off work to recover. I then started getting chronic tension nerve spasms in my hips, back, shoulders and neck into my face. And unless I was basically removing myself from the world as we know it, only eating fresh produce and drinking only water and exercising minimum an hour every day …. I would feel some if not all of these things. And I was only in my mid 20’s.
Add in some depression and anxiety that comes with living alone in a country away from family, being single when you have always dreamed of having someone to do life with and making minimum wage for working your butt off to simply pay the bills.
Gaaahhhhhh ew that was a fun paragraph to write. It amazes me that I wallowed in that mess for so long and that I blindly allowed myself to be given the run around by so many professionals and not take more action myself. But when you’re young you wanna be able to have fun, to go out and do stupid stuff and her silly with your friends. It wasnt until mid 2018 that I was in a doctors office after being locked in a back spasm for weeks and having to fill out a symptoms checklist that this doctor said to me “you know its not normal to feel these kind of symptoms in your 20s let alone for most of your 20s”
To say my mind was blown would be a bit of an understatement.
I knew there weren’t other people around me who would get so debilitated all the time like me but I just assumed this was pretty normal (or it was my fault) as no one had ever invested enough to take the responsibility to tell me I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Most previous doctors had spent about 30 seconds on history and never asked about symptoms except the ones in the moment.
At this point in 2018 I was seeing 3 different doctors who were telling me different things and wanting to do different tests. Because of the ongoing pain i had experienced in my abdomen most months since first attempting to come off the pill in 2014, they wanted to start testing me for PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) and Endometriosis. One prescribed me heavy pain meds and muscle relaxants for my back that did nothing to help and tore my stomach apart. And one was the aforementioned doctor who gave me some incredible advise for both my mind and my body to start looking into preventative gut health. I really didn't want to find out that i had a major problem. At this stage i didn't want a label from someone who wouldn't know how to fix me, i didn't want something to place focus on, to know what was 'wrong' with me. I wanted to clear that space in my mind to DECIDE for myself!
Little did this doctor know I had already been in touch with a few people who were already in the business im now in. Id been looking into these natural products that were apparently helping not just people like me but anyone to feel like a super human (like our bodies should when they are naturally thriving and supported). I was then introduced to my now dear friend and mentor who gave me some of hers for free and told me to call her in a few days.
I called her the next afternoon like a drug addict and said “I’m all in”.
(I hadn’t gone to the bathroom for a week until that day so I was pretty sold tbh hahahahaha)
Since that moment I’ve been on the most incredible rollercoaster of my life so far. From that moment I decided (like an insane person) to not go back to the doctors. I decided to stop taking the contraceptive pill that id been wanting to stop (and had tried to stop) for many years.
**thats another story but previously when I had tried to stop this pill id had nightmare symptoms I don’t even wanna go back to.
I was also about to embark on a two month trip to India with very little money in the bank after paying all the doctors in previous weeks.
So needless to say I had all but given up. I figured if it was my time to go it was my time to go and I wasn’t gonna put my trip to India on hold (like the docs wanted me to)
I was turning myself into a human experiment to see that if I made THE DECISION to heal, THE DECISION to turn this thing around for me and THE DECISION to share the journey in order to help others……… then I would either die doing that….. or I would prove my theory correct.
Well look its been 6 months. Ive been to 5 countries. Ive pushed boundaries with my consumption. Ive run one retreat and assisted on another. Ive moved to Bali. Ive enjoyed having alcohol again. Ive finally learnt to surf. Ive learnt to ride a scooter. Ive met so many amazing people and connected with thousands more online! Ive got an amazing client base and even brighter team of people that I get to coach everyday through the process of creating their dream lives.
And I haven’t gotten sick.
I had no desire to visit the southern states of India. It was a decision made between my friend and I at the beginning of the journey, before nothing went to plan and everything was challenged and changed.
I was happy in Rishikesh and thought quite seriously of leaving my flight south and staying on to the completion of my time.
It was only in one of the many quiet moments that I knew there was something for me in the saltier part of this vast country and im nothing if not an adventurer of the wildly unknown.
From the moment I walked into the little homestay turned hostel in Anjuna, I was greeted by an Indian, a Mexican and a Guatemalan… almost sounds like the start of a joke right.
And yet for me this was a sign of comfort, two of my favourite places from my past represented alongside the present.
I was greeted with “welcome home” and I really felt like I was.
After sleeping off the travel blues and finding my bearings in this little seaside town which (in peak season would have been bubbling with life) was almost all closed down and quiet due to the time of year.
For a good day or so I felt as if I may have made a mistake. Here I was, out of my element again, dumped by boyfriend and oldest friend and it would have been sooooo easy to fall right back into victimhood.
Then, the sun came out, the salt touched my skin and something in the energy changed.
Julio (Guatemala) ran an establishment based around exchange. Money was rarely mentioned and there was an expectation of community interaction and give back on a daily basis. For me, ready to turn full introvert/sorry for myself mode, it took some time to sit with how this cold work with me (miss independent)
Throughout that day new people were arriving, some walked into the space and changed their mind when confronted with Julios odd relaxed version on a check in and non rules speal.
But some people stayed, and we all soon realised that it was by no mistake.
I was captivated by these characters, their unique looks, accents, skin marred with ink and sweat and eyes that sparkled of stories to be told and heard.
There was also a gentle weariness in us all it seemed. As I sang in the hammock chair that evening swapping stories with my darling Luca, Das, Julio and Nikita, I felt a slight excitement and sadness at the thought of being here still when theres people were to move on.
We all had variable plans. I didn’t know if I could stay in this one place, feeling still quite disturbed and unstable after the massive shifts while on this journey. Most of the others planned to only stay a couple of days, having itinerary and plans to move onto.
On night three we all went to dinner to commemorate the last night for some…. And while at dinner we all decided….. to stay. To stay for the same period of time and leave to our next destinations after some much needed stillness by the sea.
Over the days that followed I experienced something I hadnt in a long time. The feeling that comes only from the completely energetic coming together of aligned human beings. Law of attraction in all her glory,
I spend days making fruit salads and helping cook and clean around the ‘home’
We were all whisked away for excursions and long midnight dinners by our amazing local friends Pio, Alecia and Das. We shared stories of adventure and pain and heartbreak. Tears were both shed and supported and slowly, joy started to creep in.
We were invited to so many lunches throughout the week of Ganesh festival (ironically - remover of obstacles) Were we ate local feasts off leaf plates on the floor with bright eyed kids running around laughing and delighted adults happy to simply offer their gifts to a few foreigners.
Our little family was not only felt by all but acknowledged openly and it was difficult to accept that we would only be aligned for this brief moment in time. And the day did come for goodbyes. But for anyone who has travelled and experienced the beauty of alignment. You understand that we don’t need things like online connections and planning to get what we need from each other. We simply need to follow our nose, to experience new places and people and understand that we are always meeting people who are sent to teach us, to allow us to all hold space for one another in our process and to believe in the power of venerability again.
I will never forget my little Anjuna Family, with an invitation turn not only return but to find each other again in the world as soon as possible!
*** Special mention to my dear friend Das. You are one of the most wonderful, giving and joyful humans I have ever come across and (despite you’re scary conditioning for the consuming of animals) you are so worthy of love and belonging and I do hope you find the way to break free of the shackles that hold you back from believing in this for yourself.
India was always going to be a place of movement. Where whatever needed to be experienced will be radically revealed, ready or not.
The assault on the senses moving through crowds of Shiva festival goers was the welcome we received upon arrival in there northern town of Rishikesh. Set into the mountains in the Ganges at the foothills of the Himalayas. We got to get a lay of the land having been dropped off outside the main town due to the inaccessibility for vehicles due to the festival. So, with full luggage strapped to our backs we trudged through mud and rain and crowds of men who had come from all over india dressed in their orange to give praise and party to Shiva.
We had arranged to volunteer at a local establishment to help with their yoga space but when we arrived (mid low season) there was little to do and lots of mould and mildew in the air.
Quickly it was clear that plans would have to change to sustain a level of health and well-being.
We selected a local hostel (Live Free Rishikesh) and set up house. With multiple levels and common areas with wifi and hammocks, it quickly felt like home. And when you would venture up to the rooftop terrace you suddenly had a 360 degree view of misty mountains. All for around AU$6 a night!
Venturing into town we discovered local cafes, Little Buddha, TAT and Shambala. Making a connection with the owner and ashtanga teacher at TAT cafe we spend many days here, eventually becoming part of the furniture (quite literally) assisting with classes, construction and entertainment.
Sitting on a grounded, cushioned seat, being served good dairy free coffee and local cuisine, while working on my new online business and watching the mist flow down the mighty river and dissipate into the day, was one of the most beautiful experiences ive had in a long time.
It seems so simple. But Ive always love to travel to discover stillness like this. Calm amongst the chaos.
When my dear friend decided to leave and move on in her journey and my long distance relationship abruptly and dramatically came to a holt, I knew I was in the best possible place to practise acceptance, forgiveness, self care and begin to detach for the need of a certain outcome.
What became the five weeks I spent in this magical town I experienced some huge shifts within myself. I sat on the terrace countless nights and rather than asking the skies and the infinite above me for all the things I thought I needed, I sat ask asked to be used.
I asked how to serve, how to use this space ive created within myself, to really kick my idea into high gear.
Rather than pleading and begging for conditions to improve an existence that I was so attached to becoming I surrendered to the possibility that it may not look the way I desire it to be but that doesn’t mean I cannot find gratitude for whats been, what is and whats to come and turn all that pain into a purpose that will lift not only my life but all those who come into play.
Its one thing to ask but its another to start taking action to move towards the unknown, knowing that the dots will connect but detaching from the how.
These moments spend here, in the quaint cafes, in my hammock with the breeze twisting through my hair, on the terrace staring out to the mountains and the river that flows energy down from the heavens themselves, I found my alignment, not only found it, I finally understood it and accepted the challenge to consciously act from my higher self from hence forth.
And you could say the rest is history, but maybe thats for a little further down the track.
Not the first stop on my Indian adventure but certainly one ill never forget.
This place is buzzing, thriving and just exploding with the most incredible colours, sounds, smells and sights.
From the moment of arrival I felt so comforted. Something about the soft pinks and oranges everywhere (it is called the pink city after all) is so calming amidst the absolute chaos that is, I guess, any city in this wild country.
And yet even among the blaring horns, the thousands of cars, tuk tuks, rickshaws, scooters and cows! on the road, I felt so blissfully ate peace.
We had the absolute pleasure of staying at a local hostel named Zostel. One of the biggest hostel names in India and they didn't disappoint. The accomodation was clean and adorned with beautiful artworks, incredibly friendly staff and an array of ridiculously cheap activities.
We spent our first night wandering the streets and found a little food stand on the side of the road surrounded by locals. We were told that you would just eat what the man handed you until you were full and then simply hand him 10 rupee (just under 20 cents AU)
Officially named Patashi, although we are fondly calling them potato puffs. A hollow fried crisp filled with spiced potato and then with a spice infused water and you eat the whole thing in one mouthful. The first few rounds you ask for Pita which is the savoury and the when you are ready to round off you ask for the Meta, a sweeter version. The combination is simply perfection and for anyone on a budget... boo ya! you got yourself a damn fine solution.
(general advise though is to go to the ones that are crowded by people, as part of the ingredients is water, you want to choose the popular ones as no one has had a bad experience from them hehe)
Keeping with the favourite theme of food, we took a food tour the following evening. For around $5 we were leas around the city on foot. First to the ice-cream stand for the local Kulfi... the most amazing mix of cream, rose, cardamon, saffron and pistachio. We proceeded to three other places in the back streets and underground that we never would have ventured into alone, and had an array of local cuisines. Ending with delicious chai and some sweets.
After the hostel lead us through a Bollywood dance lesson which quickly became a great way for everyone to relax and laugh and get to know each other.
Huge thanks to both Juniad and Shradha for being so open and friendly to a couple of crazy kiwis abroad. You made us feel at home in a place that is very fast from it.
We did a sunset excursion to the fort and watched as the sunset over the whole of the city as the sound of prayers rose up around us. We hung out on the rooftop of the hostel as the boys played rooftop cricked (with a rope attached to the ball so as not to lose it off this roof) and were brought our evening chai complementary every evening at sunset.
Every rickshaw and tuk tuk driver we took treated us like daughters, protected us and helped us to get to all the places we needed with calm and caring natures.
The hostel provided an amazing buffet breakfast each morning for minimal cost with a huge assortment of foods and the wifi was excellent, which was great for me to be able to spend my mornings working online and being able to called loved ones when needed. To relax in the multiple common areas when the wildness of the day outside had exhausted us.
Not too shabby at all for a place that charges a mere $7 a night!
There was just something magical about this city and I know that we barely even scraped the surface.
Ill defiantly be retuning Jaipur, you were just gorgeous!!
I dance through life fearless
Amid sharp rocks and rough seas
Although none chose to stay with me
I flow on with the breeze
Worry not of the danger that you all warn about
I’m happy to try and to figure it out
For no one I know experiences life quite like this and I’ll cherish each wild moment like a lingering kiss
I don’t believe it’s my time to go, not just yet
Though this may be the only chance that I get
And one day when I finally open at the close
I’ll be about to finally rest and let go
So allow me to float of into my own world
As I’m holding the hand of myself as a girl
I’m weird but I’m wonderful
And wouldn’t you know
I fear nothing no more
Here I go.
In just my mid teens a boy chased me down
Treated me like a queen, I believed in my crown
I believed he had fallen and wanted to dance but
All he wanted was sex thinking id give up at a glance
A little more down the track there was one who kept coming back
Then return to his girlfriend once he’d had what she lacked
Took my caring connection back home to her side leaving me alone with a spring in his stride
With another for years who would choose so much over me
I couldn’t understand what I was without using sex to keep him
The next one burst wildly into my world, showed me all sorts of ways to leave behind little girl
But as soon as I fell he leapt, bound, ran away
Couldnt handle someone who was so willing to stay
The next man I met was daring new start, I was excited and so ready to give in to my heart
But it turned out he was giving his heart to so many more.
Which I found out with own eyes, my heart swiftly tore.
This pattern repeated itself for years to come. I was never enough to be someones only one
Then there was one late night when the policeman approached, whispered in my ear and pressed me against the wall
His wedding ring pressed my skin as he gripped at my waist asking me to give in and just give him a taste
Perhaps I shouldn’t have smiled at him through my tears that night, It seems just being myself sends only one message out.
Another morning abroad, wandering in intoxicated haze
A staff member pulled me into a room in my daze. Before I could make sense of what was actually going on it was forced into my mouth, to weak to fight or be strong
But that’s my fault for being so drunk and confused, a clear message that I’m just here to be used
Any connection made on any new dating app rendered naked pictured of strangers before barely a brief chat was snapped.
And then I get told that I give myself away. That I should hold back my power and not be given my say.
Yet my experience has shown me that I’m not respected at all, that they only way I can be seen is without my panties and bra
You wonder why I always seem to have sex on my mind, yet it’s how I’ve been conditioned, taught and defined
God forbid I then ask anymore love from you, Im only casual fun right? Only good for a screw
And they tell me that I’ve gone about this thing all so wrong
and this is why I’m alone, taken for granted so long
If our men would be men and stand up against this. Show us love and respect, be willing to love and take risks
Perhaps there would be far fewer harlets in this world and you wouldn’t judge those who give themselves up, to be loved.
So there is my story laid out here before you, I wish I was the only one but theres not just a small few
I can’t bare to think that this story could continue so if you hear this call for change, stand with me, I GOT YOU!
a few years ago I was getting sick all the time, with flus and muscle pains, intense fatigue and intense digestion problems. When the doctors had done every other test in the book I finally got told I had Glandular Fever that had morphed its way into Chronic Fatigue and id pretty much enjoy the company of this syndrome for the rest of my life. YAY!
Not exactly the thing a twenty something wants to hear, especially when id just come off a year of dealing with a tumour situation in my throat.
I had already realised by this stage that all the fun stuff like alcohol, smoking, drugs and late nights just were not going to be possible for me if I wanted to experience a life that I could actually function in. However it took a fair few rebellious years to realise that I really needed to make a commitment to myself to only feed my body with the good stuff (as much as humanly possible) if I was going to be able to have the full life I’ve dreamed of.
And I’m not just talking changes to benefit the physical, I mean the mental side as well. But this also meant having to learn to LET GO of things and people and habits.
Every time Mr. Chronic hits me, I get sooooooo down. I hate not having energy, let alone not being able to move or function. Especially being single and not having family in the same country, like making food, getting to doctors, the chemist for meds, the bathroom to wash. Its all such a mission on my own and theres all sorts of negativity that comes in to my head when I start to feel my body turn to mush.
So, heres a few steps I take from all the many years of playing with different techniques and tools:
I pick and choose where I go to be social, with people who are keen to have mad chats, listen to good music and dance and be silly. This way it doesn’t matter if im not drinking because its not the purpose of the outing. And the best part is, when it gets to a point of the evening or event when im ready to take my introverted ass home, I can just walk out, jump in my amazing adventure-mobile Rosie and drive home! Strangely liberating.
(Side note: drinking lots of iced water with lime in an environment where everyone is drunk is actually super energising and I usually end up looking like the drunkest person there!)
The other thing I found over the years is a balance of vitamins that help to sustain my energy levels. Its kind of a pain remembering to take them every day but when I don’t I really notice the difference.
(I also get regular B12 shots which you can ask your doctor about)
Hair, skin and nails (for the girlie in me)
These are things that are energy boosting, hormone balancing (a MUST for all of us girls) AND these are vitamins and minerals that we will not get from any foods these days. BECASE ALL OUR FOODS ARE PRETTY MUCH LACKING ALL THE NUTRIENTS BY THE TIME THE REACH OUT MOUTHS!!!
So anyway. Thats my little tale. Would love to hear from anyone who may also suffer (I hate the word suffer actually) ……… from anyone who also bosses it with chronic fatigue. Would love to hear your stories, challenges and any questions for me!? :)