I dance through life fearless
Amid sharp rocks and rough seas
Although none chose to stay with me
I flow on with the breeze
Worry not of the danger that you all warn about
I’m happy to try and to figure it out
For no one I know experiences life quite like this and I’ll cherish each wild moment like a lingering kiss
I don’t believe it’s my time to go, not just yet
Though this may be the only chance that I get
And one day when I finally open at the close
I’ll be about to finally rest and let go
So allow me to float of into my own world
As I’m holding the hand of myself as a girl
I’m weird but I’m wonderful
And wouldn’t you know
I fear nothing no more
Here I go.
In just my mid teens a boy chased me down
Treated me like a queen, I believed in my crown
I believed he had fallen and wanted to dance but
All he wanted was sex thinking id give up at a glance
A little more down the track there was one who kept coming back
Then return to his girlfriend once he’d had what she lacked
Took my caring connection back home to her side leaving me alone with a spring in his stride
With another for years who would choose so much over me
I couldn’t understand what I was without using sex to keep him
The next one burst wildly into my world, showed me all sorts of ways to leave behind little girl
But as soon as I fell he leapt, bound, ran away
Couldnt handle someone who was so willing to stay
The next man I met was daring new start, I was excited and so ready to give in to my heart
But it turned out he was giving his heart to so many more.
Which I found out with own eyes, my heart swiftly tore.
This pattern repeated itself for years to come. I was never enough to be someones only one
Then there was one late night when the policeman approached, whispered in my ear and pressed me against the wall
His wedding ring pressed my skin as he gripped at my waist asking me to give in and just give him a taste
Perhaps I shouldn’t have smiled at him through my tears that night, It seems just being myself sends only one message out.
Another morning abroad, wandering in intoxicated haze
A staff member pulled me into a room in my daze. Before I could make sense of what was actually going on it was forced into my mouth, to weak to fight or be strong
But that’s my fault for being so drunk and confused, a clear message that I’m just here to be used
Any connection made on any new dating app rendered naked pictured of strangers before barely a brief chat was snapped.
And then I get told that I give myself away. That I should hold back my power and not be given my say.
Yet my experience has shown me that I’m not respected at all, that they only way I can be seen is without my panties and bra
You wonder why I always seem to have sex on my mind, yet it’s how I’ve been conditioned, taught and defined
God forbid I then ask anymore love from you, Im only casual fun right? Only good for a screw
And they tell me that I’ve gone about this thing all so wrong
and this is why I’m alone, taken for granted so long
If our men would be men and stand up against this. Show us love and respect, be willing to love and take risks
Perhaps there would be far fewer harlets in this world and you wouldn’t judge those who give themselves up, to be loved.
So there is my story laid out here before you, I wish I was the only one but theres not just a small few
I can’t bare to think that this story could continue so if you hear this call for change, stand with me, I GOT YOU!
a few years ago I was getting sick all the time, with flus and muscle pains, intense fatigue and intense digestion problems. When the doctors had done every other test in the book I finally got told I had Glandular Fever that had morphed its way into Chronic Fatigue and id pretty much enjoy the company of this syndrome for the rest of my life. YAY!
Not exactly the thing a twenty something wants to hear, especially when id just come off a year of dealing with a tumour situation in my throat.
I had already realised by this stage that all the fun stuff like alcohol, smoking, drugs and late nights just were not going to be possible for me if I wanted to experience a life that I could actually function in. However it took a fair few rebellious years to realise that I really needed to make a commitment to myself to only feed my body with the good stuff (as much as humanly possible) if I was going to be able to have the full life I’ve dreamed of.
And I’m not just talking changes to benefit the physical, I mean the mental side as well. But this also meant having to learn to LET GO of things and people and habits.
Every time Mr. Chronic hits me, I get sooooooo down. I hate not having energy, let alone not being able to move or function. Especially being single and not having family in the same country, like making food, getting to doctors, the chemist for meds, the bathroom to wash. Its all such a mission on my own and theres all sorts of negativity that comes in to my head when I start to feel my body turn to mush.
So, heres a few steps I take from all the many years of playing with different techniques and tools:
I pick and choose where I go to be social, with people who are keen to have mad chats, listen to good music and dance and be silly. This way it doesn’t matter if im not drinking because its not the purpose of the outing. And the best part is, when it gets to a point of the evening or event when im ready to take my introverted ass home, I can just walk out, jump in my amazing adventure-mobile Rosie and drive home! Strangely liberating.
(Side note: drinking lots of iced water with lime in an environment where everyone is drunk is actually super energising and I usually end up looking like the drunkest person there!)
The other thing I found over the years is a balance of vitamins that help to sustain my energy levels. Its kind of a pain remembering to take them every day but when I don’t I really notice the difference.
(I also get regular B12 shots which you can ask your doctor about)
Hair, skin and nails (for the girlie in me)
These are things that are energy boosting, hormone balancing (a MUST for all of us girls) AND these are vitamins and minerals that we will not get from any foods these days. BECASE ALL OUR FOODS ARE PRETTY MUCH LACKING ALL THE NUTRIENTS BY THE TIME THE REACH OUT MOUTHS!!!
So anyway. Thats my little tale. Would love to hear from anyone who may also suffer (I hate the word suffer actually) ……… from anyone who also bosses it with chronic fatigue. Would love to hear your stories, challenges and any questions for me!? :)
Just a quick stop in to drop a link to my YouTube channel. Couple of new vids have gone up and more to come!
Keep the requests and questions rolling in, loving it!
Take photos, take screenshots, enjoy things online and outside. Acknowledge it all through a lense of celebration.
➡️ https://youtu.be/gD_1Eh6rqf8 ⬅️
Put the phone/camera/device away and appreciate the moment you are in and the real people around you!
➡️ https://youtu.be/YM521oWNQ5M ⬅️
Enjoy your day lovelies!
Jump over to the YouTube channel to see a little diary cam i did about myrecent experience with self love discovery.
Waking up sick for (what seems like) the billionth time and waking up alone almost every morning for over 6 years..... is not a good time.
Confined to bed, already feeling depleted and down and then the fingers find their way to the phone the phone leads you into social media land and next minute your looking at pictures of the men who didn’t choose you back, and the women they chose instead. It’s a downward spiral of toxic comparison. You dont even know if the images tell any truth but they are all you have in these million moments of solitude. And all they draw out of the mind is that voice that whispers “you weren’t good enough”.
This pain is an ache in my heart that, at times, I cannot see a way through. For no matter which way i have approached these situations over the years i always yield the exact same result. Leading to the conclusion in my mind that there is just something wrong with me.
People tell you to stop going online, stop looking for this trouble of comparison. But its like i am a drug addict with the very drug in the palm of my hand, that has alga rhythms that feed me the latest updates to my destruction as soon as i log in.
“Then block them” they say. Sure, its dramatic and painful and it works temporarily.... but give me enough nights and mornings alone and i can just log in and unblock them, if only to feel some kind of connection to what was, to remember that it happened. Especially when there is still no other connections in sight.
“Go out and meet people” they say. Cool, when?
With working full time and building a business, with chronic fatigue rearing its ugly head whenever i start to feel energised again. Especially when I don’t like to drink and put myself in those environments. So aside someone walking into work or flagging down people in the street (which doesn’t get a good response) I’m out of options.
Online dating? Forget it. I don’t know if its just been my experience but I’ve had closer things to what we would call dates with the few men that inspired this article, than any of the conversations i had on online dating platforms. Instead i just get late night messages asking “what’s doing” and inappropriate pictures sent before general information has even been exchanged!
We have lost the tools of how to communicate and treat each other with respect in these arenas and so very rarely will you come across connection that is acknowledged and lasting. It is so easy to ghost yourself from a situation when you’re done, whether you don’t feel the connection or you get scared of commitment. Providing no closure for the other person and no problem with doing so because there’s soooo many other possible options out there (so it would seem)
I hold myself solely responsible for my own happiness always. However i am realising that perhaps I’ve had to have this long, confusing and incredibly exhausting experience to bring to light this problem in our society, this disconnection of responsibility to one another.
Of all the people I’ve come across in my life experience so far, i have never heard of anyone being alone for this length of time. No lasting dalliances, no one i could call boyfriend, or even be able to say I’m seeing someone (To be fair I’ve thought i was seeing people from time to time, just turned out they weren’t seeing me)
Im not looking for pity AT ALL! It’s just become quite of a bafflement to me. At the root of it all i know it comes down to a lack of self worth and with the introduction of a social media addiction its something I’m having to fumble my way through. People tell you to seek therapy, yet no therapist has ever been able to appreciate the social media affect, feeding on our generations anxiety and triggers.
I always say i don’t want to vilify social media or even the people I’ve felt pain around because of it. But we are all seemingly unaware that on the other end of the phone there is a real person, changing their work schedule because you said you wanted to hang out. Closing themselves off to other interested parties because you had a connection and are still in contact. Shes on the other end, thinking of you and how excited you make her ... only to find out you haven’t given her a second thought (asking for a mate.........lol)
COMMUNICATION is so important!
I have been more fortunate with recent connections that (i presume because i have presented my true self as much as possible) i warranted a closure message or explanation for the ending at least.
Ten years ago, ending it with someone over text message was the worst move you could possibly pull, yet now its actually really appreciated because the alternative is no contact. And anytime a photo is ‘liked’ or a picture is posted, you think..... ‘maybe there’s still something’, ‘maybe they will message me soon’ until you see pictures of them dating someone else and realise it was all in your head.
Our perceptions are poisoning us through this endless feed and, yes, the solution is within us. But we need to acknowledge the process and give each other the tools to let go and move on .... to hopefully stop us from falling down the rabbit hole?
I don’t want to make this a doom and gloom issue. Social media has so many incredible positives. It’s US that have become the problem. We have become so lazy, scared and sometimes, disrespectful that the quality of our relationships has begun to mirror just that.
Call to action will probably only resonate with those who are aware that this is a thing in their lives. But wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we were more there for each other, supportive, excited, fearless, interactive?
Can’t get there from here. Somethings gotta change & thats us.
Theres an intro over on the Facebook. Link through and check it out if you wish :) ➡️➡️➡️ https://www.facebook.com/katrina.burke.35/videos/1525335034251149/ ⬅️⬅️⬅️
Just had a pretty powerful interview with the beautiful Katrina Hahling, touching on all the juicy topics!
Checkout the live feed on her FB (link below) and check out her website and journey @ katrinahahling.com