#productiveanxiety

 

​Im so scared that Im wrong about everything
I so scared that everything I am is not meant for a place like this.
Im afraid that the world is destined for disconnection
And not the connectedness i know to be bliss.

When did it become cool to pretend we dont care
I dont know why we shy away from the moment thats there
Why do we shut down because of past fears or doubts
Will there ever be a time that ive dreamed so much about

We live in a world where we want magic solutions to problems
But refuse to believe in the magic that solves them
And we shut people out, label, laugh & close doors
On those who want things to be better for their life and yours
Or better yet we vanish, we turn into ghosts
Disappear back into that less complicated, numb world

We ignore all the problems that we ourselves have the power to solve
I guess we do live in the moment when we dont care what the future holds

Im afraid, so afraid that this is as good as it gets
That so many wont step up and dare to take more risks
To step though the veil of the scary unknown to perhaps find that all they wanted
Was there over there all along

For if our world is destined to become so closed off -  just co-dependance, arrogance and ignoring the signs 
I dont know if I want to be around then to see
Sometimes I just wish I could set myself free.
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I wrote this last night in a panic attack. Ive had a fair few of these in my life. It first started when I was 5 and my parents were dropping me off at a new school. I would scream and cling to mum and all I really remember is that I couldn’t breathe and my chest felt tight and I was terrified.

The next time I had one that I recall wouldn’t be until high school when my first love told me it was over between us.

Then there were many years of distraction, and numbing behaviour, in the rat race of the world when in my mid 20s I was awakened suddenly. That was when the madness really began. I wouldn’t however have a similar experience until my 30th birthday and then for a few months after. So i guess you would say ive 'suffered' from anxiety my whole life. Id prefer to say ive experienced anxiety - with a touch or two of depression (haha) 
​
This most recent one got me really curious - was I continuing this trend as a sort of human experiment?  My mind has been so light of late and yet here i am again? Could the cause of my anxiety be isolation, rejection, loneliness and disconnection. Only a week ago I was flying high, running around Bali with a good friend, meeting amazing people, living in the moment and allowing myself to be truely myself.
Now I sit alone, wondering what its all about. Love and acceptance, being truely seen and feeling connected to the world gives us humans a high that I dont think I could do justice in words. Yet we cant seem to hold on to it for long, cant seem to trust that it might come again or worse, we might have one bad experience of loss, rejection or disconnect that we close off to opening ourselves to it ever again.

No wonder people end their lives. This shit dont feel good at all. Yet for some reason i never allowed myself to close off. 

Considering I decided I didn’t come here to end my life a while back, I cant help but turn into an investigator when these moments repeat or arise in my life. I wanna understand the source, the reason, the trigger or the chemistry so that I can at least have the satisfaction of understanding it or find a form of empowerment or solution.

We are living in a world where its more likely for us to avoid real connection, to act like we dont care or even disappear without word from the lives of our friends and lovers, to avoid going any deeper than a surface level conversation. At all costs we must avoid being hurt like the last time!! or perhaps worse - being the one who has to do the hurting.
They are finding however that the solution to things like depression, addiction, criminal behaviour and more - is CONNECTION. For people to have real surface breaking connections with other human beings, to feel love and support and community. We are living in a time where we have so much more than we could ever need, the possibilities are all ones that were once said to be impossible and yet we are more depressed than anytime in our history. And in times where we are consuming so much information that it can feel like our minds are going a thousand miles a minute - that real human connection (at least in my experience) can feel like such a beautiful break. 

So in light of this, as i sit here in the dried sweat and tears of that latest breakdown/breakthrough - lets make a commitment to connect more? To really connect. To drop the BS stories of why we keep our walls up and DARE TO SHOW WE CARE. To care without motive or return requirements. To break down the barriers in each others minds about how the world is or can be. To help each other believe that we can have beautiful friendships and relationships and work environments.

Ive seen it happen but we cannot sustain it alone.