Somethings gotta give

Waking up sick for (what seems like) the billionth time and waking up alone almost every morning for over 6 years..... is not a good time.
Confined to bed, already feeling depleted and down and then the fingers find their way to the phone the phone leads you into social media land and next minute your looking at pictures of the men who didn’t choose you back, and the women they chose instead. It’s a downward spiral of toxic comparison. You dont even know if the images tell any truth but they are all you have in these million moments of solitude. And all they draw out of the mind is that voice that whispers “you weren’t good enough”.


This pain is an ache in my heart that, at times, I cannot see a way through. For no matter which way i have approached these situations over the years i always yield the exact same result. Leading to the conclusion in my mind that there is just something wrong with me.


People tell you to stop going online, stop looking for this trouble of comparison. But its like i am a drug addict with the very drug in the palm of my hand, that has alga rhythms that feed me the latest updates to my destruction as soon as i log in.


“Then block them” they say. Sure, its dramatic and painful and it works temporarily.... but give me enough nights and mornings alone and i can just log in and unblock them, if only to feel some kind of connection to what was, to remember that it happened. Especially when there is still no other connections in sight.


“Go out and meet people” they say. Cool, when?
With working full time and building a business, with chronic fatigue rearing its ugly head whenever i start to feel energised again. Especially when I don’t like to drink and put myself in those environments. So aside someone walking into work or flagging down people in the street (which doesn’t get a good response) I’m out of options.


Online dating? Forget it. I don’t know if its just been my experience but I’ve had closer things to what we would call dates with the few men that inspired this article, than any of the conversations i had on online dating platforms. Instead i just get late night messages asking “what’s doing” and inappropriate pictures sent before general information has even been exchanged!


We have lost the tools of how to communicate and treat each other with respect in these arenas and so very rarely will you come across connection that is acknowledged and lasting. It is so easy to ghost yourself from a situation when you’re done, whether you don’t feel the connection or you get scared of commitment. Providing no closure for the other person and no problem with doing so because there’s soooo many other possible options out there (so it would seem)


I hold myself solely responsible for my own happiness always. However i am realising that perhaps I’ve had to have this long, confusing and incredibly exhausting experience to bring to light this problem in our society, this disconnection of responsibility to one another.
Of all the people I’ve come across in my life experience so far, i have never heard of anyone being alone for this length of time. No lasting dalliances, no one i could call boyfriend, or even be able to say I’m seeing someone (To be fair I’ve thought i was seeing people from time to time, just turned out they weren’t seeing me)


Im not looking for pity AT ALL! It’s just become quite of a bafflement to me. At the root of it all i know it comes down to a lack of self worth and with the introduction of a social media addiction its something I’m having to fumble my way through. People tell you to seek therapy, yet no therapist has ever been able to appreciate the social media affect, feeding on our generations anxiety and triggers.


I always say i don’t want to vilify social media or even the people I’ve felt pain around because of it. But we are all seemingly unaware that on the other end of the phone there is a real person, changing their work schedule because you said you wanted to hang out. Closing themselves off to other interested parties because you had a connection and are still in contact. Shes on the other end, thinking of you and how excited you make her ... only to find out you haven’t given her a second thought (asking for a mate.........lol)


COMMUNICATION is so important!


I have been more fortunate with recent connections that (i presume because i have presented my true self as much as possible) i warranted a closure message or explanation for the ending at least.
Ten years ago, ending it with someone over text message was the worst move you could possibly pull, yet now its actually really appreciated because the alternative is no contact. And anytime a photo is ‘liked’ or a picture is posted, you think..... ‘maybe there’s still something’, ‘maybe they will message me soon’ until you see pictures of them dating someone else and realise it was all in your head.


Our perceptions are poisoning us through this endless feed and, yes, the solution is within us. But we need to acknowledge the process and give each other the tools to let go and move on .... to hopefully stop us from falling down the rabbit hole?


I don’t want to make this a doom and gloom issue. Social media has so many incredible positives. It’s US that have become the problem. We have become so lazy, scared and sometimes, disrespectful that the quality of our relationships has begun to mirror just that.


Call to action will probably only resonate with those who are aware that this is a thing in their lives. But wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we were more there for each other, supportive, excited, fearless, interactive?


Can’t get there from here. Somethings gotta change & thats us.